Manufactured Poverty

Before I begin. I MUST confess that I am one to two years behind TV shows and music.  In the future, I may reference songs and TV shows that are years old, and you might wonder why I am on the late train. It doesn’t matter.  I see and hear things, when I see and hear things, and I’ll reference them. I already know, I’m a late bird.  Forgive me.  BTW – I just got hooked onto D’Angelo’s album Black Messiah, and well, it is changing my life, one year later. 

In the opening scene of the pilot of the HBO series, Girls, (which you can see here) a mother and father inform their daughter that they are terminating their financial support of her.  She has graduated from college and has been working for free as an intern for two years.  They tell her that she needs to get a paid job and their continued support of her, is just delaying that.  She goes on to have a meltdown. 

This scene made me think about my life as a first generation professional, who is only 20 years out of a childhood of debilitating poverty, substance abuse and violence, and the privileged life of my own children.  They are not privileged in the San Marino/Old Pasadena wealth way, or the sheltered suburban way, but they are sheltered in terms of not really having to fight for anything, like food, or shelter, or proper attire (not sandals in the winter, unless by choice, like my son chooses to do.) 

Adversity builds character.  Period.  When you have to fight for your life, you dig deeper, and a stronger, more polished you comes out on the other end.  I don’t know if children need to put their brain to work for meeting basic needs, which is what my brothers and I did. That kind of stress can really fuck you up. There are brain studies that show the effects of chronic stress on a developing brain. PTSD, is what I think it is called. 

As a kid, I was often on my own, because my single mother was working full-time. My problem solving skills of navigating the streets, taking care of myself, and being resourceful were light years away from my own ten year old’s coping and survival skills.  The child STILL has not walked down the block alone.  For real. At 10 years old, I had walked with my siblings from Sunset and Lucille in Silverlake, to the IHOP on 6^th and Vermont,  four miles one way, at least once a week.

But back to the opening scene of Girls.  When I was in graduate school, one of the pieces I listened to was written by a colleague, who described what she felt like when her attorney parents told her that they were not going to financially support her, post-college, and the deep resentment she had toward them for not helping her out. 

She was taking out loans for grad school and really had a hard time learning how to support herself.  I couldn’t relate to her.  My mother could barely support me before I was 18, and she was definitely in no position to support me as an adult, in college.  Forget it.  I was buried in college loan debt.  But I was intrigued by this woman’s situation.  What do you do when you don’t have to take care of yourself until you're 22?  How do you learn to hustle? And is that too late to learn how to hustle? 

When I was 18, I had to get a jobby job, I had to figure out how to enroll my ass in school. I had to figure out how to pay for school and books, and then I had to figure out how to budget my money to support myself.  I started that shit at 18, and let me tell you, there was absolutely nowhere for me to fall back on.  If I couldn’t make ends meet, then I lived off of Top Ramen and bean tacos, and that was it.  I didn’t blame anyone for me starving. I didn’t hold it against anyone. I just understood I was assed out. 

But if you have never had to do it, and you know, as the character in the scene says, “I am your only child, it is not like I am financially harming you by your supporting me,” knowing that your parents can actually help you out, but they say, that they think you need to learn how to figure your shit out, I do wonder what that feels like. 

And I wonder what that feels like, because I know my own children will be in that situation, and according to my siblings and in-laws with college aged children, my nieces and nephews are genuinely struggling to get it together as adults, to provide for themselves and problem solve.

We do have college funds for our kids. Honestly, it is not going to cut it when they have to pay tuition.  There will be some money to pay for their school, but I don’t see us cutting a check every semester or quarter to pay for their college education. I’ve asked my friends who pay for their children’s tuition,  “Can’t they just take out loans, like we did?” And I always get a combination of answers that have to do with not wanting their kids to be in debt like they still are, or their not being eligible to take out loans because their family makes too much money. 

Even if we didn’t want to help our boy’s out financially, so that they can learn to fend for themselves, can young people today even afford to take care of themselves, to learn the lesson?  What is the average job paying for kids that are barely out of school?  For me, it didn’t matter what anyone was paying.  I had to take care of myself.  For my children, they actually do have a place to live, they can at least come and have meals here and get the basics, and we probably will be able to help them out financially.  Where will the balance be to help them out, and to help them learn to become financially independent and responsible?

I find the contrast fascinating between my generation’s need to survive and fend for themselves off the bat, and watching my children’s generation struggle with adulthood and all of its responsibilities. What is in store for our them? Can we manufacture their poverty, so that they can develop the resilience and grit that we did? I don’t know, I haven’t been through it yet.  I hope that my boys will learn to appreciate all of their privelage.  I hope that my boys will learn that there are many, many working class young people who have to fight for every opportunity they get.  Mostly, I hope that they have the will to take care of themselves and take responsibility for their lives.  For their sake.